Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married Page 8

  Learning to Listen

  In these and numerous other areas, you will discover that your in-laws are individuals who have unique thoughts, feelings, and desires. These may differ from your own thoughts, feelings, and desires. So, how do you build a positive relationship with your in-laws? I want to suggest that the process begins by learning to listen empathetically. By empathetic listening, I mean listening with a view to understanding what your in-laws think, how they came to that conclusion, and how strongly they feel about it.

  “Every time I’m around her father, it’s like he’s trying to convert me to his brand of Christianity.

  By nature, most of us are not good listeners. We often listen long enough to give a rebuttal and we end up in needless arguments. Empathetic listening holds judgment until you are certain that you understand what the other person is saying. This involves asking clarifying questions such as, “What I understand you to be saying is … Is that correct?” or, “It sounds like you are asking me to … Is that what you want?” Once you have listened long enough to clearly understand what they are saying and how strongly they feel about it, you are then free to give your perspective on the subject. Because you have listened to them without condemnation, they are far more likely to hear your honest perspective.

  Empathetic listening does not require you to agree with the other person’s ideas, but it does require you to treat them and their ideas with respect. If you respect their ideas and speak to them with kindness, they are far more likely to respect your ideas and treat you kindly. Mutual understanding and mutual respect grows out of empathetic listening.

  When communicating with in-laws, always speak for yourself. Instead of saying, “You hurt my feelings when you said that,” you might say, “I felt hurt when I heard you say that.” When you start your sentence with “I,” you are giving your perspective. When you begin your sentence with “you,” you are placing blame and will likely experience a defensive response from your in-laws. The husband who says, “I feel frustrated when Kimberly tells me that every time you talk you mention your husband’s problem with alcohol and verbal abuse. I’m wondering if you want us to do something and if so, what do you think we could do?” will likely open the door to a meaningful conversation.

  Learning to Negotiate

  The third ingredient to having good relationships with your in-laws is learning to negotiate differences. Negotiation begins by someone making a proposal. Jeremy said to his wife’s parents, “I know that you would like for us to be here for Christmas Day and celebrate with the family. My parents, of course, have the same desire. Because you are 500 miles apart, we know that we can’t be at both places on the same day. I’m wondering about alternating between Thanksgiving and Christmas. We could be with you guys this Christmas and with my folks on Thanksgiving. And next year, we would reverse the order. I’m just trying to find something that will work for both families.”

  Negotiation is enhanced when you make requests and not demands.

  Jeremy has made a proposal. Now his in-laws have the opportunity to accept the proposal or to modify the proposal or to make a different proposal of their own. It is the process of listening and respecting each other’s ideas that allows the process of negotiation to go forward. Eventually, you reach a solution that everyone can agree with and the relationship with your in-laws is strengthened.

  Differences regarding holidays, traditions, expectations, patterns of behavior, and religion all call for negotiation. The ancient Hebrew scriptures observed, “How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity.”1 Unity requires negotiation.

  Negotiation is enhanced when you make requests and not demands. Tim said to his parents, “We really enjoy you guys coming over and we want to spend time with you, though I would like to make a request. Instead of just stopping by, would it be possible for you to call and see if it is a good evening for us? The reason I ask is that last week when you stopped by on Thursday night, I ended up staying up until midnight trying to get my report ready for work the next day. Friday night would have been a much better night for me. Does that make sense and is that possible?”

  Tim has made a proposal and a request. His parents may agree with his request; they may show resistance to his request; or they may make an alternate proposal, such as agreeing upon a particular night that they will normally come unless there is a specific reason to move it to another night. At any rate, by making a request and not a demand, Tim has kept the relationship positive.

  Learning Their Love Language

  My final suggestion for maintaining good and positive in-law relationships is to learn the primary love language of your in-laws and speak that language regularly. When your in-laws feel genuinely loved, it creates a positive climate in which to negotiate differences. Nothing communicates love more deeply than speaking the right love language. If you don’t know the love language of your in-laws, you might give them a copy of my book The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Once they have read the book and understand the concept, they may want to discuss their primary love languages. You can also share your love languages with them. When families effectively communicate love, they create positive in-law relationships.

  Neither Karolyn nor I experienced a great deal of trauma in relating to our extended families. The first two years of our marriage, we lived two thousand miles from both of our families. Christmas was our only time at home and both families lived in the same town. My family celebrated on Christmas Eve and her family on Christmas Day. Therefore, in-law relationships were distant but positive.

  Karolyn’s father was deceased before we got married. When I finished graduate studies and we moved closer to our families, her mother was my chief cheerleader. Her love language was acts of service. After I painted the house for her, I could do no wrong. My parents were helpful, positive, and never overbearing. I certainly would not have been prepared to deal with in-law conflicts. Karolyn and I never discussed the subject. I realize now how naïve we were. The hundreds of couples who have walked through my counseling office have made me realize that we were the exception. Having good in-law relationships normally requires time and effort.

  I’m hoping that this chapter will help the two of you surface potential areas of conflict with your extended families and to talk about how you will handle these issues. The more thoroughly you do this before marriage, the less likely you are to be blindsided once you are married.

  Talking It Over

  Share with each other how your families typically celebrate Christmas and other significant holidays. Look for potential areas of conflict.

  What are the strongly held traditions in each of your families? These traditions may not focus on birthdays or holidays, but they are extremely important to your family members.

  Seek to discover the expectations that your in-laws may have of each of you after marriage. If you have siblings or friends who are married, you might discuss with them the kind of expectations they have encountered from parents and in-laws.

  Like the rest of us, all in-laws have certain patterns of behavior they follow. Some of these are positive, such as playing golf on Saturdays. Others are negative, such as getting drunk on Thursday nights. What patterns do you observe in each of your parents? Share these with each other and talk about those things that you might find irritating.

  What are the strongly held religious beliefs of your parents? Share these with each other and talk about areas in which you might feel uncomfortable.

  When your parents are discussing ideas with which you disagree, how well have you learned to withhold judgment and listen empathetically so that you can make an intelligent response? Share with each other illustrations of times in which you have listened well or not so well.

  In your normal conversations, how well have you learned to speak for yourself? When the two of you have a disagreement, how often do you start your sentences with the word you as opposed to I? Discuss this with each other and focus on learning
to speak for yourself.

  When two people disagree, it calls for negotiation. The process requires someone to make a proposal, listen to a counterproposal, and seek to find a solution that everyone can agree on. How well have you done this in the past? Share your memories with each other.

  Negotiation is enhanced when you make requests rather than demands. Think of times in which your requests have sounded like demands to the other person. Ask each other how you might reframe your desire so that it sounds like a request.

  Do you know the primary love language of each of your parents? Do you know the love language of your in-laws? If so, how well are you speaking their love language? If not, what will you do to make this discovery?

  If the person you are thinking of marrying already has children, I highly recommend that you read and discuss the book The Smart StepFamily2 by Ron Deal. The number one conflict in marriages that involve children is the conflict between child and stepparent.

  11

  I Wish I Had Known …

  That SPIRITUALITY is not

  to be equated with

  “GOING TO CHURCH”

  Nine months after the wedding, Jill and Matt sat in my office. Jill said, “We’ve got a problem and we don’t know how to solve it.” “So, what’s the problem?” I inquired. “Matt doesn’t want to go to church with me anymore. He says that church is boring and that he feels closer to God on the golf course than he does in church. So for the last month, he drives off to the golf course while I drive off to church. It just doesn’t seem right to me. I never dreamed that this would happen.

  “Before we got married, Matt went to church with me every Sunday. He always seemed to like it. We discussed the sermons. He told me that he was a Christian, but how can you be a Christian and not want to go to church? He says that I’m judging him and maybe I am. But I’m deeply hurt and I’m beginning to feel that maybe we made a mistake by getting married.”

  For Jill, the issue seemed to be attending church versus not attending church. However, Matt had a totally different perspective on spirituality. He did not grow up attending church. While a student at the university, he had become involved in a studentled Christian organization. After several months of attending meetings, and reading the Bible and other Christian books, he had come to consider himself a Christian. While he and Jill were dating, he attended church with her every Sunday and found it interesting. But now that he was out of college and working full-time, he found the church services to be much too predictable and did not find the sermons to be very helpful. He sincerely felt closer to God on the golf course than he did at church. He could not understand why attending church was such a big deal for Jill.

  On the other hand, Jill was devastated. Attending church with other Christians was one of the tenets of her faith. It was unthinkable that a good Christian would not go to church. “What will we do when we have children?” she asked. “I can’t bear the thought of my children not going to church.” I could tell that Matt was getting frustrated. “Jill, we don’t have children,” he said. “We can cross that bridge when we get there.”

  Many couples never get around to discussing their religious beliefs at all.

  Matt and Jill were one of many couples who have sat in my office over the years and shared their conflicts over their religious beliefs. And yet, spirituality is often the last thing to be discussed in a dating relationship. In fact, many couples never get around to discussing their religious beliefs at all. As a counselor, I find this extremely disappointing.

  Since I hold undergraduate and graduate degrees in anthropology, I am often drawn to the cultural discoveries that have been made by anthropologists. One of those discoveries is that man is incurably religious. There are no cultures that have not developed a system of beliefs about the nonmaterial world. From the Roman veneration of mythical gods to the belief in evil spirits found in aboriginal tribes, man believes there is more than can be seen by the eye. The second discovery of the anthropologist is that these religious beliefs greatly influence the behavior of those who believe them. This is true both in what is often called primitive religions and also in the more advanced religions such as Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, and Islam. Our view of spirituality greatly influences the way we live our lives.

  Therefore, when couples are contemplating marriage, religion needs to be near the top of the list in matters that need to be discussed. The question is, “Are our spiritual beliefs compatible?” or, “Are we marching to the beat of the same drummer?” Few things have the potential for causing marital conflict more than divergent spiritual views. That is why most world religions encourage their adherents to marry within their own religious tradition. In the Christian faith, the scriptures admonish, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols?”1 These are cogent questions and the wise couple will not avoid them.

  What Do You Think about God?

  So what are the issues that need to be looked at? First, there is one’s concept of God. The Hebrew scriptures begin with these words: “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.”2 A few paragraphs later we read, “So God created human beings in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.”3 Are these words to be taken literally? Is there a transcendent, powerful creator who not only created the universe but made man in His own image? Or is this simply to be taken as Hebrew mythology? Your answer to those questions will have a profound impact on your self-perception and how you live your life. If you agree that God exists as the creator and sustainer of the universe, the next question is “Has God spoken?” The Christian scriptures affirm, “In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven.”4 Thus, the Christian belief is that God has spoken through the ancient Hebrew prophets, recorded in the Old Testament scriptures, and that Jesus Christ is the prophesied Messiah, the Son of God, who would pay the penalty for man’s wrongdoing so that God could forgive mankind and still be a just God. That is why Christians invite all to accept Christ as their Messiah and receive God’s forgiveness and enter a love relationship with God.

  Your answers to the following questions will reveal the level of your spiritual compatibility. Is there a God who created the universe and made man in His image? Has that God spoken? If so, how has He spoken? What has He said and how have I responded to His message? These are fundamental questions that need to be answered honestly.

  It has been my observation that many people come to adulthood never having explored their own spiritual belief system. They call themselves Buddhist, Hindu, or Christian but they do so simply because they were raised in a Buddhist, Hindu, or Christian home. They are cultural Buddhists, Hindus, or Christians. Personally, they have not explored the fundamental beliefs of those religions. We do not choose our family, and thus, the religion, into which we are born. But as adults, we have the responsibility to seek truth in all areas of life. If you realize that your religion is simply a cultural artifact, I would encourage you to take the time to explore the history and beliefs of your religious heritage and discuss your journey openly with the person you are dating. If you cannot be honest and open about your religious beliefs before marriage, you are not likely to do so after marriage and your religious beliefs will likely become a source of conflict.

  Exploring the Branches

  Inasmuch as 80 percent of the population of the United States claims Christianity as t
heir religion and inasmuch as this is my own personal religious heritage, let me explore with my Christian readers additional issues that I think need to be addressed before the decision to marry. We all know that within the universal Christian church, Christians come in many flavors. The three major branches of Christendom are Eastern Orthodoxy, Roman Catholicism, and Protestantism. While these three agree on certain core beliefs, such as the divinity of Christ, His sacrificial death, and His resurrection from the dead, they disagree on many other issues. If you are contemplating marriage to someone outside your own Christian tradition, I urge you to explore both of your traditions and seek to negotiate your differences. To marry simply because you are “in love” and to ignore the implications of these spiritual differences are signs of immaturity.

  Assuming that both of you are members of the same Christian tradition, it is time to examine the finer points of belief and practice. Within the Orthodox tradition, there are Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, Armenian Orthodox, etc. All of these have beliefs and practices that differ from country to country. Within the Roman Catholic Church, beliefs and practices also differ from country to country and often within the same country. For example, more recently in America there has been a strong charismatic movement among Roman Catholics. Within the Protestant tradition, there are many denominations: Lutheran, Presbyterian, Baptist, and Methodists to name just a few. And there are a whole group of churches that call themselves nondenominational. There is great diversity in beliefs and practices within these various Protestant groups. These differences need to be fully explored if you are contemplating marriage.