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  Life Promises for Couples: God’s Promises for You and Your Spouse

  Copyright © 2011 by Gary D. Chapman. All rights reserved.

  Some material selected from The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional, copyright © 2009 by Gary D. Chapman.

  Cover photograph of beach copyright © by Images hougaard malan/Vetta/Getty. All rights reserved.

  Author photo copyright © by Boyce Shore & Associates. All rights reserved.

  Designed by Jacqueline L. Nuñez

  Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, second edition, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. (Some quotations may be from the NLT, first edition, copyright © 1996.) Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

  Scripture quotations marked ESV are taken from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

  Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version,® NIV.® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com.

  Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version.® Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. NKJV is a trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

  Scripture quotations marked KJV are taken from the Holy Bible, King James Version.

  Scripture quotations marked TLB are taken from The Living Bible, copyright © 1971 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Chapman, Gary D., date.

  Life promises for couples : God's promises for you and your spouse / Gary Chapman.

  p. cm.

  Includes index.

  ISBN 978-1-4143-6391-2 (hc)

  1. Marriage—Religious aspects—Christianity. 2. Spouses—Religious life. I. Title.

  BV4596.M3C483 2011

  248.8'44—dc23 2011027476

  Table of Contents

  Introduction

  The Language of Love

  How May I Help You?

  The Big Reveal

  Express Yourself!

  Time for a Change

  Time for a You-Turn

  Seeing Is Believing

  It Takes Two

  The Importance of Teamwork

  Just Let It Go

  Not So Random Acts of Kindness

  Patience Makes Perfect

  Listen Up!

  Drop Everything!

  Accentuate the Positive

  Help Me Help You

  At Your Service

  Love Begets Love

  Watch and Learn

  Give and You Shall Receive

  Turn Down the Heat!

  Listen and Learn

  Love and Be Loved

  Learning a New Language

  Love Wins

  Submitted for Your Approval

  Talk to Me!

  Don’t Play the Blame Game

  Be a Softy

  Kill Them with Kindness

  Keep It Simple

  There’s No I in Focus

  Make Time for Love

  Little Things Mean a Lot

  It’s All about Attitude

  Eliminate the Negative

  It’s Never Too Late to Change

  T-E-A-M

  The Hallmark of a Great Marriage

  2=1

  The 4:8 Principle

  The Couple That Prays Together

  You Said It!

  Just Do It!

  Reconcilable Differences

  Can We Talk?

  Us Time

  Three Things

  Surprise—People Are Human!

  Tell Me about It

  God Talk

  Stop. Look. Listen.

  Get with the Program

  Delight in Each Other

  At Your Service

  Pillow Talk

  The Joy of Sex

  Love and Be Loved

  Is Anyone Listening?

  The Oughts

  Extending Love’s Life Span

  A Daily Dose

  There Is Hope!

  Praying for Change

  Forgiveness

  Forgive and Forget?

  Where Did That Come From?

  All You Need Is Love

  The Power of Love

  Two Are Better Than One

  Never Stop

  It’s a Wonderful Life

  Making Love

  Love Is . . .

  Taking the Intimidation out of Intimacy

  And Now, God, about My Spouse . . .

  Just Close Your Eyes and Pray

  I Love You—Please Change!

  I Do. Now What?

  Unconditional Love

  A Kind Word Goes a Long Way

  Marriage Myths

  Pot, Meet Kettle

  Look a Little Deeper

  All Work, No Play?

  Unconditional Love

  Love Means Never Having to Say, “I’m Sorry.”

  Saying vs. Doing

  Love Is the Answer

  A Touch of Love

  Baby Steps

  That’s a Great Question!

  The Gift of Marriage

  Laying a Strong Foundation

  The Truth about Doves

  The Secret to True Happiness

  The Transforming Power of Love

  Can’t We All Just Get Along?

  It’s Not You, It’s Me

  A Legacy of Love

  Scripture Index

  About the Author

  Introduction

  I’ve been privileged to counsel couples for more than thirty years, and in that time I’ve seen my share of marital struggles. But what I’ve also seen, time and time again, is the power of God to transform relationships. When two people commit to each other—and especially when they commit to communicating love to each other through the five love languages—positive change occurs.

  Because my background is in marriage counseling, I tend to use the language of marriage when I write. Some of the issues I address are marriage specific. However, if you’re a dating or engaged couple, I hope you will read this book too. There is plenty of helpful information for you as well. The building blocks of marriage—such as good communication, respect, unconditional love, and forgiveness—are foundational to any romantic relationship. And learning to identify and speak your loved one’s love language will benefit a couple at any stage.

  You can use this Bible promise book individually, or sit down as a couple and read it together. In just a minute or two every day, you can discover encouraging biblical insights.

  Whether your relationship is strong or struggling, stable or challenging, my prayer is that this little book will encourage you and give you renewed joy in each other. May your relationship be strengthened as you focus on loving and growing together.

  Gary Chapman

  Life Promises

  Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. Let love be your highest goal!

  1 Corinthians 13:13–14:1

  Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.
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  1 John 4:11-12

  I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.

  John 13:34-35

  The Language of Love

  After thirty years of counseling couples, I’m convinced there are five different ways we speak and understand emotional love—five love languages.

  • Words of affirmation—using positive words to affirm the one you love

  • Gifts—giving thoughtful gifts to show you were thinking about someone

  • Acts of service—doing something that you know the other person would like

  • Quality time—giving your undivided attention

  • Physical touch—holding hands, kissing, embracing, or any other affirming touch

  Each of us has a primary love language. One of these five languages speaks to us more profoundly than the other four.

  Seldom, however, do a husband and wife have the same love language. We tend to speak our own language, and as a result, we completely miss each other. Oh, we’re sincere. We’re even expressing love, but we’re not connecting emotionally.

  Sound familiar? Love doesn’t need to diminish over time. The end of the famous “love chapter” of the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13, says that love is of great value and will last forever. In fact, the apostle Paul says that love should be our highest goal. But if you’re going to keep love alive, you need to learn a new language—your loved one’s language.

  That takes discipline and practice—but the reward is a lasting, deeply committed relationship.

  Life Promises

  Whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

  Matthew 7:12, ESV

  Let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

  1 John 3:18, ESV

  See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.

  1 John 3:1, ESV

  How May I Help You?

  The word Christian means “Christlike.” In the first century, Christian was not a name chosen by the followers of Jesus. Rather, it was a name given to them by others. Believers based their lifestyle on the teachings of Christ, so the best way to describe them was to call them Christians.

  What if Christians really were Christlike? Central in Jesus’ teachings is the command to love. In fact, in Mark 12:29-31, Jesus said that the greatest commandment is to love God and the second is to love our neighbors. These commands supersede all others, because everything else flows out from them.

  Love begins with an attitude, which in turn leads to acts of service. How may I help you? is a good question with which to begin.

  Today is a good day to express love to our neighbors. In my opinion, that starts with those closest to us—first our spouse, then our family—and then spreads outward.

  Life Promises

  All of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.

  2 Corinthians 3:18

  The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.

  Psalm 37:23

  Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

  Proverbs 3:6

  The Big Reveal

  What do you know about the art of self-revelation? It all began with God. God revealed himself to us through the prophets, the Scriptures, and supremely through Christ.

  The same principle is necessary in marriage. Self-revelation enables us to get to know each other’s ideas, desires, frustrations, and joys. In a word, it is the road to intimacy. No self-revelation, no intimacy. So how do we learn the art of self-revelation?

  You can begin by learning to speak for yourself. Communication experts often explain it as using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. For example, “I feel disappointed that you are not going with me to my mother’s birthday dinner” is very different from “You have disappointed me again by not going to my mother’s birthday dinner.”

  When you focus on your reaction, you reveal your own emotions. Focusing on the other person’s actions places blame. “You” statements encourage arguments. “I” statements encourage communication.

  Life Promises

  Honesty guides good people; dishonesty destroys treacherous people.

  Proverbs 11:3

  For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. . . . A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. . . . A time to embrace and a time to turn away. . . . A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

  Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4, 5, 7

  Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

  Ephesians 4:31-32

  Express Yourself!

  Some people wonder why they would ever want to share their feelings with their mate. The truth is, if you don’t openly share your feelings, they will likely show up anyway in your behavior. However, your loved one will have no idea why you are behaving as you are. That’s when you get the classic question, Is something wrong? Your spouse knows something is wrong but doesn’t know what.

  Emotions are a natural part of life. King Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for everything, including joy and sorrow, grieving and celebration. All feelings have their place in our lives, and many of them communicate a lot about us. Most of our feelings are tied to some experience we have had in the past or something we’re going through now. The next time you feel disappointed, ask yourself, “What stimulated my disappointment?” Then try to share whatever it is with your spouse.

  Revealing your feelings lets your spouse know what is going on inside you—what you are feeling and why. For example, you might say, “I’m feeling angry with myself because I came home late last night and we missed our ride in the country.” Such a statement may encourage your mate to say, “I’m disappointed too. Maybe we can do it on Thursday night.” Revealing your feelings creates an atmosphere of intimacy and trust.

  Life Promises

  [Jesus said,] “Why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? . . . First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.”

  Matthew 7:3, 5

  Though the LORD is great, he cares for the humble, but he keeps his distance from the proud.

  Psalm 138:6

  Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

  Philippians 2:3, ESV

  Time for a Change

  As a marriage counselor, I’ve drawn one conclusion: everyone wishes his or her spouse would change. “We could have a good marriage if he would just help me more around the house.” Or “Our marriage would be great if she was willing to have sex more than once a month.” He wants her to change, and she wants him to change. The result? Both feel condemned and resentful.

  Jesus’ words in Matthew 7 vividly illustrate the problem. We think we see others’ faults clearly, and we put forth a lot of effort to try to correct them. But in reality, our own sin blinds us. If we haven’t dealt with our own failings, we have no business criticizing our spouse’s.

  There is a better way: start with yourself. Admit that you’re not perfect. Confess some of your most obvious failures to your spouse and acknowledge that you want to change. Ask for one suggestion each week on how you could be a better husband or wife. To the best of your ability, make changes. Chances are, your spouse will reciprocate.

  Life Promises

  [John the Baptist’s] message was, “Repent of your sins and turn to God, f
or the Kingdom of Heaven is near. . . . Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God.”

  Matthew 3:1-2, 8

  If my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins.

  2 Chronicles 7:14

  If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.

  1 John 1:9

  Time for a You-Turn

  A woman said to me recently, “We have the same old arguments about the same old things. We’ve been married for thirty years, and I’m sick of his apologies. I want him to change.” This woman wanted her husband to repent. The word repentance means “to turn around.” In the context of an apology, it means that I deeply regret the pain my behavior has caused, and I choose to change my behavior.

  John the Baptist preached that people needed to repent—to turn away from their sins and turn toward God. When Jesus began his ministry, he had the same message. The proof of our heart change is in our actions. When Christ rules in our hearts, we are not happy to keep repeating the same old sins. Instead, we reach out for divine help to change our ways.

  When we hurt our spouse, we must acknowledge that what we have done is wrong and that just apologizing is not enough to make it right. We also need to make a plan to change our actions so we don’t hurt our loved one in the same way again. Why would we not want to do that in our closest relationship? Repentance is a vital part of a genuine apology.

  Life Promises

  Repent, and turn from your sins. Don’t let them destroy you! Put all your rebellion behind you, and find yourselves a new heart and a new spirit.