Life Promises for Couples Read online

  Ezekiel 18:30-31

  If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

  2 Corinthians 5:17, ESV

  God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins.

  Romans 8:3

  Seeing Is Believing

  All of us need to learn to apologize, for one simple reason: we are all sinners. From time to time we all hurt the people we love the most. When we apologize, we hope the person we have offended will forgive us. We can make that easier if we include in our apology a statement of repentance or change. As one woman said, “I don’t want to just hear words; I want to see changes. When he indicates that he intends to change, I’m always willing to forgive him.”

  All true repentance begins in the heart. The decision to change shows that we are no longer making excuses or minimizing our behavior. Instead, we are accepting full responsibility for our actions. As Scripture says, we are putting our sinful behavior behind us and seeking “a new heart and a new spirit” (Ezekiel 18:31). Only God can give those. He can renew in us a desire to change the way we act. He can help us do better. When we share our desire to change, the offended party gets a glimpse of our heart. That often leads to forgiveness.

  Life Promises

  Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.

  Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

  As it is, there are many parts, yet one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it.

  1 Corinthians 12:20-24, ESV

  From whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

  Ephesians 4:16, ESV

  It Takes Two

  I vacuum the carpet and wash the dishes at my house. What do you do in your home? Who will do what? is a question that every couple must answer. In my opinion, the gifts and abilities of each person should be considered. One may be more qualified than the other for certain tasks. Why not use the player best qualified in that area?

  This does not mean that once one person accepts a responsibility, the other will never offer to help with the task. Love seeks to help and often will. In Ecclesiastes, King Solomon writes clearly about the value of teamwork. As a couple, we can accomplish more together than we can as two individuals because we are there to help each other. The Scriptures do not tell us exactly who should do what, but they do encourage us to agree on the answer.

  The prophet Amos once asked, “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” (3:3). The answer is “Not very far and not very well.” I encourage you to keep negotiating until both of you feel good about who is doing what in your home.

  Life Promises

  Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

  Proverbs 27:17, ESV

  All of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.

  1 Peter 3:8

  I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose.

  1 Corinthians 1:10

  The Importance of Teamwork

  As a couple, what is your shared goal? Perhaps it’s a smoothly running home, a harmonious relationship, and a sense of fairness. Recently, a woman was in my office complaining that her husband didn’t help her with household responsibilities. “We both work full-time,” she said. “But he expects me to do everything around the house while he watches TV and unwinds. Well, maybe I need to unwind too.” Clearly this couple had not defined their shared goal.

  The players on an athletic team do not all perform the same tasks, but they do have the same goal. That was also true when Nehemiah led the Israelites to rebuild the wall around Jerusalem. Some of them rebuilt gates, some carried materials, and others stood guard, watching for those who wanted to sabotage the work. The individuals had separate tasks, but they were united in their ultimate goal: making the city of Jerusalem safe again.

  If we want harmony and intimacy in our relationship, then we must each do our part of the work. A spouse who feels put upon is not likely to be interested in intimacy. Why not ask your spouse, “Do you feel that we make a good team around the house?” Let the answer guide your actions.

  Life Promises

  “Don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.

  Ephesians 4:26-27

  Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.

  James 1:19-21

  People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.

  Proverbs 14:29

  Just Let It Go

  Do you find yourself overreacting to little irritations? Your spouse forgot the milk, and you grimace or make a sarcastic comment. Your child tracked mud on the new carpet, and you explode. If so, there is a good chance that you are suffering from stored anger—anger that has been living inside you for years.

  Perhaps your parents hurt you with harsh words or severe punishment. Maybe your peers made fun of you as a teenager or your boss treated you unfairly. If you’ve held all these hurts inside, now your stored anger may be showing up in your behavior. The Bible wisely tells us not to let the day end when we’re still angry. In other words, we need to deal with our anger right away rather than letting it build up.

  Release your anger to God. Tell him about your emotions, and ask him to help you handle the situations that caused them. He can help you release the hurts from long ago and forgive those who wounded you.

  Experiencing anger isn’t wrong. But as Ephesians 4 tells us, letting anger control us is wrong—and can be very damaging to a marriage.

  Life Promises

  Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

  Ephesians 4:32

  Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High.

  Luke 6:35

  Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.

  1 Peter 4:8

  Not So Random Acts of Kindness

  “Be ye kind one to another” (Ephesians 4:32, KJV). We may have memorized it as children, but have we forgotten it as adults? Kindness is one of the traits of love, as defined in the Bible’s famous “love chapter,” 1 Corinthians 13: “Love is patient and kind” (v. 4). Do you consciously think of being kind to your spouse throughout the day? Kindness is expressed in the way we talk as well as in what we do. Yelling and screaming are not kind. Speaking softly and respectfully is. So is taking the time to have a meaningful conversation with a spouse who is lonely, upset, or uncertain.

  Then there are acts of kindness—things we do to help others. When we focus our energy on doing
kind things for each other, our relationship can be rejuvenated. What could you do today to be kind to your spouse? Maybe it’s taking on a chore that’s not typically your responsibility, or bringing him or her a cup of coffee in bed. Or perhaps it’s giving an encouraging note or bringing home a favorite treat. These are small things, but they can have a big impact. Imagine what your relationship would be like if you both emphasized kindness.

  Life Promises

  Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.

  Romans 12:12

  Control your temper, for anger labels you a fool.

  Ecclesiastes 7:9

  God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

  James 1:12

  Patience Makes Perfect

  Patience means accepting the imperfections of others. By nature, we want others to be as good as we are (or as good as we think we are), as on time as we are, or as organized as we are. The reality is, humans are not machines. The rest of the world does not live by our priority list; our agenda is not their agenda. It’s especially important for couples to remember this. In a loving relationship, patience means bearing with our spouse’s mistakes and giving him or her the freedom to be different from us.

  When is the last time you were impatient with your significant other? Did your impatience come because he or she failed to live up to your expectations? I don’t think it’s coincidence that Ephesians 4:2 links humility with patience. When we’re humble, we realize that the world doesn’t revolve around us and that we don’t set the standard for behavior. And when that’s our mind-set, we’re far less likely to become impatient.

  The Bible says, “Love is patient and kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4). If in impatience you lash out at your loved one, love requires that you apologize and make it right. Work for more patience in your marriage.

  Life Promises

  Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.

  Proverbs 12:15

  Come and listen to my counsel. I’ll share my heart with you and make you wise.

  Proverbs 1:23

  We are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. And since we know he hears us when we make our requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for.

  1 John 5:14-15

  Listen Up!

  We will never resolve conflicts if we don’t learn to listen. Many people think they are listening when in fact they are simply taking a break from talking—pausing to reload their verbal guns. Proverbs 12:15 doesn’t pull any punches when it calls those who don’t listen fools. We may not like that word, but the truth is, refusing to listen reveals a lack of humility. Wise people listen to others—especially those they love. Genuine listening means seeking to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling. It involves putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes and trying to look at the world through his or her eyes.

  Here’s a good sentence with which to begin: “I want to understand what you are saying because I know it is important.” One man told me that he made a sign which read, “I am a listener.” When his wife started talking, he would hang it around his neck to remind himself of what he was doing. His wife would smile and say, “I hope it’s true.” He learned to be a good listener.

  Life Promises

  Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

  Romans 12:10

  I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God. Bend down and listen as I pray.

  Psalm 17:6

  Be still, and know that I am God!

  Psalm 46:10

  Drop Everything!

  We are all busy. Often, too busy to listen. And yet, listening is the only way we will ever come to understand our spouse’s thoughts and feelings. Listening takes time and requires focus. Many people pride themselves in being able to listen while reading e-mails or watching television, but I question if that’s really listening. One husband said, “My wife insists that I sit down and listen to her. I feel like I’m in a straitjacket, like I’m wasting time.”

  In Romans 12, Paul tells us to “take delight in honoring each other.” One way to honor someone is to listen intently and to give him or her your full attention. It’s a question of respect. When you drop everything, look at your spouse, and listen, you communicate, “You are the most important person in my life.” On the other hand, when you try to listen while doing other things, you communicate, “You are just one of my many interests.” Listening is a powerful expression of love.

  Life Promises

  Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.

  Proverbs 12:18

  Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

  Ephesians 4:29

  I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished.

  Philippians 1:6

  Accentuate the Positive

  One of the most powerful things you can do to enhance your marriage is to choose a winning attitude. How do you do this?

  First, you must admit your negative thinking. As long as you think negatively, you’ll never be able to choose a winning attitude. The second step is to identify your spouse’s positive characteristics, even if that’s difficult for you. You might even get help from your children by asking, “What are some of the good things about Daddy or Mommy?”

  Once you’ve identified those positive characteristics, thank God for them. Then, begin to express verbal appreciation to your spouse for the positive things you observe. Set a goal, such as giving one compliment a week for a month. Then move toward two per week, then three, and so on until you’re giving a compliment each day.

  The book of Proverbs has a lot to say about the importance of words. Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death” (NIV). Proverbs 12:18 talks about words bringing healing. Proverbs 15:4 calls gentle words “a tree of life.” You can give your marriage new life when you replace condemnation and criticism with compliments and words of affirmation.

  Life Promises

  Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ.

  Colossians 3:23-24

  It is more blessed to give than to receive.

  Acts 20:35

  Whoever wants to be first among you must be the slave of everyone else. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.

  Mark 10:44-45

  Help Me Help You

  The Christian message is that we serve Christ by serving others. As Colossians 3:23 says, we should do everything as if we are doing it for the Lord—in other words, willingly, cheerfully, and enthusiastically.

  We all have idealistic visions of our spouse asking, “What could I do to help you tonight?” or “How could I make your life easier this week?” But the fact is, many of us grew up in homes where we had to fight to survive. We did not learn to appreciate the value of serving others. How do you develop an attitude of service if you grew up in a home where it was dog eat dog?

  Let’s start with your family of origin—the family you grew up in. On a scale of zero to ten, how would you rate your father on having an attitude of service toward your mother? Zero means he never lifted a finger to help her; ten means that he was almost Christlike in his servanthood. Next, rate your mother. How well did she demonstrate an attitude of service? Now let’s make it personal. How would you rate yourself? Are you more like your father or your mother? Do you have a lot of room for growth? Or are you already serving Christ by serving your spouse?

  Life Promises

  Never let loyalty and ki
ndness leave you! Tie them around your neck as a reminder. Write them deep within your heart.

  Proverbs 3:3

  If you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.

  Romans 12:8

  The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.

  Proverbs 11:25

  At Your Service

  The theme of the Christian life is serving Christ by serving others. Jesus came to earth to serve others—first by his love, his teaching, and his healings, and ultimately by his death. When we serve others, we are not only serving Christ, but we are being Christlike. So why not begin developing an attitude of service in our closest relationship? The fact is, we do acts of service for each other every day. However, we don’t often talk about them, and consequently, we begin to take them for granted.

  I want to suggest a little communication exercise that will bring service to the front burner. It’s a game called I Really Appreciate That. Here’s how you play it: The husband might say to the wife, “One way I served you today was by putting away a load of laundry.” The wife might respond, “I really appreciate that.” Then she says, “One way I served you today was by cooking dinner.” The husband responds, “I really appreciate that.”