Life Promises for Couples Read online

  Play the game once a day for a week, and you will become more aware of the acts of service that you are already doing for each other. You will elevate them to a place of importance by talking about them. If you have children, let them hear you playing the game, and they’ll want to get in on the fun.

  Life Promises

  We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters.

  1 John 3:16

  Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

  Colossians 3:12-13

  We love each other because he loved us first.

  1 John 4:19

  Love Begets Love

  Before my wife and I got married, I thought that every morning when the sun rises, everybody gets up. But after we were married, I found out that my wife didn’t do mornings. It didn’t take me long not to like her, and it didn’t take her long not to like me. For several years we struggled, greatly disappointed in our marriage.

  What finally turned our marriage around? The profound discovery that it was not my job to demand that she meet my expectations. My job was to give away my life to make her life easier and more meaningful. My model? Christ himself, who gave away his life for our benefit. The apostle John reminds us that Christ’s sacrifice exemplifies genuine love. Because of his sacrifice, we should also give up our lives for others—starting with our spouse.

  In a thousand years, I would never have come up with that idea. But then, God’s ways are not our ways. In God’s way of doing things, the road to greatness lies in serving others. What better place to start than in your own marriage? My wife is my first responsibility. When I choose to serve God, he says, “Let’s start with your wife. Do something good for her today.” When I got the picture, my wife was quick to respond. She was a fast learner.

  Love begets love. That’s God’s way.

  Life Promises

  Let love be your highest goal!

  1 Corinthians 14:1

  Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.

  Colossians 3:14

  Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us.

  Ephesians 5:2

  Watch and Learn

  Would you like to know your spouse’s love language? Then observe how he or she most often expresses love to you. Is it through words of affirmation? gifts? acts of service? quality time? physical touch? The way a person expresses love to you is likely the way he or she wishes you would express your love.

  If he often hugs and kisses you, his love language is probably physical touch. He wishes you would take initiative to hug and kiss him. If she is always weeding the flower beds, keeping the finances in order, or cleaning up the bathroom after you leave, then her love language is probably acts of service. She wishes that you would help her with the work around the house. If you don’t, then she feels unloved. One husband said, “If I had known that my taking out the garbage would make her feel loved and more responsive sexually, I would have started taking out the garbage years ago.” Too bad it took him so many years to learn his wife’s primary love language.

  As the Bible says, love should be our highest goal. To reach that goal, we need to put forth an effort to know how our spouse can best receive love.

  Life Promises

  God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other.

  1 John 4:9-11

  Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.

  John 13:35

  There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

  John 15:13

  Give and You Shall Receive

  I believe our deepest emotional need is the need to feel loved. If we are married, the person we most want to love us is our spouse. If we feel loved by our spouse, the whole world looks bright. If we do not feel loved, the whole world looks dark. However, we don’t get love by complaining or making demands.

  One man told me, “If my wife would just be a little more affectionate, then I could be responsive to her. But when she gives me no affection, I want to stay away from her.” He is waiting to receive love before he gives love. Someone must take the initiative. Why must it be the other person?

  Why are we so slow to understand that the initiative to love is always with us? God is our example. We love God because he first loved us. He loved us even when we were sinful, even when we weren’t responsive, even when we had done nothing to deserve it. That’s the ultimate example of love that takes the initiative. If you choose to give your spouse unconditional love and learn how to express love in a language your spouse can feel, there is every possibility that your spouse will reciprocate.

  Life Promises

  Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.

  Ephesians 4:2

  Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

  Romans 12:18

  Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.

  Ephesians 4:3

  Turn Down the Heat!

  All of us have emotional hot spots. When our spouse says or does certain things, we get defensive. Usually our response is rooted in our history. You may find that often your spouse is echoing statements made by your parents that hurt or embarrassed you. The fact that you get defensive indicates that the hurt has never healed. The next time you get defensive, ask yourself why. Chances are, you will have a flood of memories. Share these past experiences with your spouse, and he or she will develop greater understanding.

  What if you are the spouse? Once you learn why your husband or wife gets defensive in a certain area, then you can decide how to move on. You might ask, “How would you like me to talk about this issue in the future? I don’t want to hurt you. How could I say it in a way that would not be hurtful to you?” Now you are on the road to defusing the defensive behavior of your spouse. You’re also following Scripture by being patient and making allowances for your spouse’s struggles, as Paul encourages in Ephesians 4:2. Learning to negotiate the “hot spots” of life is a big part of developing a growing marriage.

  Life Promises

  Intelligent people are always ready to learn. Their ears are open for knowledge.

  Proverbs 18:15

  The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking.

  Proverbs 15:28

  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

  2 Corinthians 1:4

  Listen and Learn

  The abilities to speak and to listen are two of the more profound gifts of God. Nothing is more fundamental to a relationship than talking and listening. Open communication is the lifeblood that keeps a marriage in the spring and summer seasons—times of optimism and enjoyment. Conversely, failure to communicate is what brings on fall and winter—times of discouragement and negativity.

  It sounds so simple. The problem is that many of us tend to be judgmental listeners. We evaluate what we hear based on our own view of the situation, and we respond by pronouncing our judgment. And then we wonder why our spouse doesn’t talk more.

  For most of us, effective listening requires a significant change of attitude. We must shift from egocentric listening (viewing the conversation through our own eyes) to empathetic listenin
g (viewing the conversation through our partner’s eyes). The goal is to discover how our spouse perceives the situation and how he or she feels. Proverbs 18:15 equates wisdom with careful listening and seeking for knowledge. In a relationship, this often means seeking knowledge about our spouse. Words are a key to the other person’s heart, and listening with the intention to understand enhances conversation.

  Life Promises

  We don’t need to write to you about the importance of loving each another, for God himself has taught you to love one another.

  1 Thessalonians 4:9

  Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.

  1 John 4:7-8

  Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

  1 Corinthians 13:13

  Love and Be Loved

  The need to love and be loved is the most fundamental of our needs. The desire to love accounts for the charitable side of humans. We feel good about ourselves when we are loving others. On the other hand, much of our behavior is motivated by the desire to receive love. We feel loved when we are convinced that someone genuinely cares about our well-being. The psalmist reiterates this human need to feel love in Psalm 36:7 when he thanks God for his unfailing love. The image of people taking shelter in the Lord, like chicks huddling under their mother’s wings, touches us deeply because that need to be cared for is so significant.

  When your spouse complains that you don’t give her enough time, she is crying for love. When your spouse says, “I don’t ever do anything right,” he is begging for affirming words. Argue about the behavior and you will stimulate more negative behavior. Look behind the behavior to discover the emotional need. Meet that need, and you will eliminate the negative behavior. Love seeks to meet needs.

  Life Promises

  This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you.

  John 15:12

  Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.

  Ephesians 5:28

  In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together . . . . Be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.

  1 Peter 3:7-8

  Learning a New Language

  What if your spouse’s love language is something that doesn’t come naturally for you? Maybe his love language is physical touch, and you’re just not a toucher. Perhaps her language is quality time, but sitting on the couch and talking for twenty minutes is your worst nightmare.

  So what are you to do?

  You learn to speak your partner’s language. If it doesn’t come naturally for you, learning to speak it is an even greater expression of love because it shows effort and a willingness to learn. This speaks volumes to your spouse. Also, keep in mind that your love language may not come naturally for your loved one. He or she has to work just as hard to speak your language as you do to speak his or her language. That’s what love is all about.

  Jesus made it clear that we are to love each other as he loved us—and that is with the highest degree of sacrifice. Few of us are called to literally lay down our lives for others, but we are called to lay down our lives in small ways every day. Love is giving. Choosing to speak love in a language that is meaningful to your spouse is a great investment of your time and energy.

  Life Promises

  Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others.

  1 Corinthians 10:24

  Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.”

  Matthew 16:24

  You have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.

  Galatians 5:13

  Love Wins

  Most counselors agree that one of the greatest problems in marriage is decision making. Visions of democracy dance in the minds of many newly married couples, but when there are only two voting members, democracy often results in deadlock. How does a couple move beyond deadlock? The answer is found in one word: love.

  Love always asks the question, What is best for you? As Paul writes in 1 Corinthians, believers need to be primarily concerned about what is beneficial for others rather than just what will help or please themselves. Love does not demand its own way. Love seeks to bring pleasure to the one loved.

  That is why Christians should have less trouble making decisions than non-Christians. We are called to be lovers. When I love my wife, I will not seek to force my will upon her for selfish purposes. Rather, I will consider what is in her best interests.

  Life Promises

  Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. . . . Husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her.

  Ephesians 5:21-22, 25

  There is one thing I want you to know: The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.

  1 Corinthians 11:3

  Choose today whom you will serve. . . . But as for me and my family, we will serve the LORD.

  Joshua 24:15

  Submitted for Your Approval

  Many wives shudder when they hear the pastor say, “Turn in your Bible to Ephesians 5:22.” They know that’s the verse that says, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord” (NIV). But you don’t know my husband, they think. I sometimes imagine that God responds, But you don’t understand submission. Submission is not a command that applies only to females. In fact, Ephesians 5:21 instructs us to “submit to one another” because of our love for Christ.

  Both the instruction to husbands about loving and the instruction to wives about submitting call for an attitude of service. Submission does not mean that the wife must do all the giving. The husband is to give his life for her. Nor does it mean that she cannot express her ideas. The goal of Paul’s instructions is unity, which requires both to have an attitude of service.

  Life Promises

  Respect everyone, and love your Christian brothers and sisters.

  1 Peter 2:17

  Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.

  Matthew 7:12

  There will be glory and honor and peace from God for all who do good.

  Romans 2:10

  Talk to Me!

  I’ve heard many people say, “My spouse won’t talk with me.” If this describes your marriage, the question is, why? One reason some spouses go silent is negative communication patterns. Here are some questions to help you think about your own patterns. Consider whether you often come across as negative or complaining.

  • Do I listen to my spouse when he talks, or do I cut him off and give my responses?

  • Do I allow my partner space when she needs it, or do I force the issue of communication, even at those times when she needs to be alone?

  • Do I maintain confidences, or do I broadcast our private conversations to others?

  • Do I openly share my own needs and desires in the form of requests rather than demands?

  • Do I give my spouse the freedom to have opinions that differ from my own, or am I quick to “set him straight”?

  If you answer yes to the second half of any of these questions, it may be time to change your communication patterns. It’s all about treating your spouse (and all believers) with respect and love, as 1 Peter 2:17 directs.

  Life Promises

  We are each responsible for our own conduct.

  Galatians 6:5

  If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to f
orgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.

  1 John 1:9

  Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness.

  2 Peter 1:6

  Don’t Play the Blame Game

  Why are we so quick to blame our loved one when things aren’t going well in our relationship? Unfortunately, it’s human nature, going all the way back to Adam and Eve. But Galatians 6:5 reminds us that we are each responsible for our own choices and behavior, and that includes our part in a relationship.

  May I suggest a better approach? Try the following steps: