Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married Read online

  My father was a fan of John Wayne. He saw one of Wayne’s last movies, True Grit, where Wayne proclaimed, “Real men don’t apologize.” My dad took John Wayne to be a true prophet and followed his example. My father was a good man. He was not an abuser. He was not even an angry man. But from time to time, he would lose his temper and speak harshly to my mother and sometimes to my sister and me. In his eighty-six years, I never remember hearing him apologize. So I simply followed his model, and John Wayne had another convert.

  I don’t mean that I made a conscious decision never to apologize. The fact is, the thought of apologizing never crossed my mind. Before marriage, I could not imagine ever doing or saying anything to my wife that would warrant an apology. After all, I loved her. I intended to make her supremely happy and I was certain she would do the same for me. However, after marriage I discovered a part of me that I never knew existed. I found out that the woman whom I had married had ideas, some of which I considered to be stupid. And I told her so. I remember saying with a loud, harsh voice, “Karolyn, think. This is simply not logical.” My words would spark a sharp response and we would be on a downward spiral.

  I was simply doing what my father had done. I never apologized.

  After such episodes, we would both go silent and not speak to each other for hours or sometimes days. After the passing of time, I would break the silence and begin to talk to her as though nothing had happened. We would have a few good days or months before there were more harsh words. I did not recognize it at the time but now I see clearly. I was simply doing what my father had done. I never apologized. In my mind, I blamed her for our altercations. Needless to say, in the early years, we did not have a good marriage.

  Shortly after our wedding, I enrolled in seminary and began theological studies. It was in this context that I discovered that the Christian scriptures have a great deal to say about confession and repentance. Confession means to admit that what I did or failed to do is wrong. Repentance means that I consciously turn from that wrong and seek to do what is right. I was attracted by the boldness of John the apostle who said, “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, [God] is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”1 I realized that I had allowed myself to be deceived. Blaming Karolyn for my outburst was evidence of my deception. I found great personal solace in confessing my sins to God. To be totally honest, it was much more difficult to learn to confess my failures to Karolyn.

  However, over the next few months, I did learn to apologize and found that Karolyn was fully willing to forgive. In time, she too learned to apologize and I extended forgiveness. After spending a lifetime counseling other couples, I am convinced that there are no healthy marriages without apology and forgiveness. I draw this conclusion from the reality that all of us are human and humans sometimes do and say things that are demeaning to other people. These unloving words and actions create emotional barriers between the people involved. Those barriers do not go away with the passing of time. They are removed only when we apologize and the offended party chooses to forgive.

  A few years ago I teamed up with another counselor, Dr. Jennifer Thomas, and did extensive research on the art of apologizing. We asked hundreds of people two questions. First, “When you apologize, what do you typically say or do?” Second, “When someone apologizes to you, what do you expect to hear them say or do?” Their answers fell into five categories. We call them “the five languages of apology.” The evidence was clear—what one person considers to be an apology is not what another person considers to be an apology. Thus, couples often miss each other in their efforts to apologize. He says, “I’m sorry.” She is thinking, “You certainly are. Now, is there anything else you would like to say?” She is waiting for an apology; he thinks he has already apologized.

  All of us are human and humans sometimes do and say things that are demeaning to other people.

  Typically, we learn our apology language from our parents. Little Cole pushes his sister Julia down the stairs. His mother says, “Cole, don’t push your sister. Go tell her you are sorry.” So little Cole says to Julia, “I’m sorry.” When Cole is thirty-two and offends his wife, he is likely to say, “I’m sorry.” He is doing what his mother taught him to do and he doesn’t understand why his wife does not freely forgive him. However, his wife had a different mother. Her mother taught her to say, “I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?” This is what she is waiting for Cole to say. In her mind “I’m sorry” does not qualify as an apology.

  Couples often miss each other in their efforts to apologize.

  The Apology Languages

  Here is a brief summary of the five apology languages that we discovered in our research.

  1. Expressing regret

  “I’m sorry” may well be the first words in expressing this apology language. However, you need to tell what you are sorry for. The words “I’m sorry,” spoken alone, are much too general. For example, you might say, “I’m sorry that I came home an hour late. I know you have been waiting for me so we could go to the movie. I realize that we’ve already missed the first thirty minutes and you probably don’t want to go now. I feel bad that I did not pay more attention to the time. I got busy with work at the office. I can’t blame anyone but myself. I feel like I have let you down big time.”

  If you have lost your temper and spoken harshly, you might say, “I am sorry that I lost my temper and raised my voice. I know I came across very harsh and that I hurt you deeply. A husband should never talk that way to his wife. I feel like I have demeaned you. I can only imagine how hurt I would feel if you spoke to me in that way. You must be hurting deeply and I am so sorry that I hurt you.”

  This apology language is an emotional language. It is seeking to express to the other person your emotional pain that your words or behavior have hurt them deeply. If this is the apology language of the person you have offended, what they want to know is, “Do you understand how deeply your behavior has hurt me?” Anything short of this kind of apology will seem empty to them.

  2. Accepting Responsibility

  This apology begins with the words “I was wrong,” and then goes on to explain what was wrong about your behavior. For example, “I was wrong not to plan my afternoon so I could get home early. I knew we were going out tonight but I didn’t consciously think about what time I needed to be home in order for us to leave on time. It was my fault and it was wrong. I can’t blame anyone else.”

  The person who has spoken harshly might apologize in the following manner. “The way I talked to you was wrong. It is not loving or kind to raise my voice and speak harshly to you. I should not have allowed my temper to get out of control. I’m not blaming you. I’m accepting responsibility for my behavior and I know it was wrong.”

  The person whose primary apology language is “accepting responsibility” is waiting to hear you admit your behavior was wrong. For this person, saying “I’m sorry” will never sound like an apology. They want you to be willing to accept responsibility for what you did or said and acknowledge that it was wrong.

  3. Making restitution

  This apology language seeks to “make it right.” One husband who forgot their wedding anniversary said, “I know that I’ve really blown it. I can’t believe that I actually forgot our anniversary. What kind of husband is that? I know that I can’t undo what I have done but I would like an opportunity to make it up to you. I want you to think about it and let me know what I could do to make things right with you. We can go anywhere or do anything. You deserve the best and I want to give it to you.” If “making restitution” is his wife’s primary apology language, you can bet she will have an idea of what he can do to make things right.

  For the person whose primary apology language is “making restitution,” what they really want to know is “Do you still love me?” Your behavior seems so unloving to them that they wonder how you could love them a
nd do what you did. Thus, what they request of you may well be in keeping with their love language. If their primary love language is physical touch, they may simply say to you “Would you just hold me or could we make love?” If, on the other hand, receiving gifts is their love language, they will likely request a gift that they had wanted, which to them would genuinely express your love. If acts of service is their love language, they may say “The greatest thing you could do to make it right with me is to clean out the garage.” If quality time is their primary love language, they may well request a weekend away—just the two of you. The person for whom words of affirmation is their love language will ask you to verbally affirm your love. They may say “Could you just write me a love letter and tell me why you love me and how much you love me?” To them, words speak louder than actions.

  4. Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior

  This apology seeks to come up with a plan to keep the bad behavior from reoccurring. One man who “lost his temper again” said, “I don’t like this about me. This is not good. I know I did the same thing last week. This has got to stop. You deserve better than this. Can you help me think what I can do to make sure that this doesn’t happen again?” His desire for change communicates to his wife that he is sincerely apologizing.

  This couple decided that when he felt himself getting “hot,” he would say to her, “Honey, I’ve got to take a walk. I’ll be back shortly.” He would take the walk and calm down. When he came back in thirty minutes, he would say to her, “I love you so much and I appreciate the time out. I don’t ever want to lose my temper with you again. I appreciate you helping me overcome this.” In some people’s eyes, if your apology does not include a desire to change your behavior, you have not truly apologized. Whatever else you say, they do not see it as being sincere. In their minds, if you are really apologizing, you will seek to change your behavior.

  5. Requesting forgiveness

  “Will you please forgive me?” These words are music to the ears of the person whose primary apology language is “requesting forgiveness.” In their mind, if you are sincere, you will ask them to forgive you. This is what an apology is all about. You have hurt them and they want to know, “Do you want to be forgiven? Do you want to remove the barrier that your behavior has caused?” Requesting forgiveness is what touches their heart and rings of sincerity.

  What Dr. Thomas and I discovered is that when couples learn how to apologize in a manner that is meaningful to the other person, they make forgiveness much easier. What most people want to know when you are attempting to apologize is “Are you sincere?” However, they judge your sincerity by whether or not you are speaking what to them is a genuine apology. That means you must learn to speak your apology in their primary apology language. When you do, they sense your real sincerity.

  Carl Learns “I’m Sorry”

  Learning to apologize effectively may not be easy. Some of you may identify with the following story taken from our book The Five Languages of Apology.

  Carl, thinking about marriage, came to one of our seminars with his girlfriend, Melinda. After they completed apology questionnaires, Melinda told him that the thing she wants to hear most in an apology is “I’m sorry.”

  Later during the seminar, Carl approached me. “To be honest with you, I don’t know if I’ve ever said those words. They sound kinda ‘girly’ to me. I’ve always been taught that real men don’t apologize. I guess it is a macho thing.

  “I’m not sure I can say those words, and Melinda seems to be concerned about it. Maybe we shouldn’t have taken your apology questionnaire!” he joked.

  “On the other hand, maybe it’s really good that you did,” I said with a chuckle. “Let me ask you a question. Have you ever done anything in your whole life that you really regretted? After doing this, did you say to yourself, ‘I wish I hadn’t done that’?”

  He nodded and said, “Yes. I got drunk the night before my mother’s funeral. So the next morning, I was suffering with a big hangover. I don’t remember much about the funeral.”

  “How did you feel about that?” I asked.

  “Really bad,” Carl said. “I really felt like I dishonored my mother. Her death hit me very hard. We had always been close and I could talk with her about things. I guess I was just trying to drown my sorrow, but I had too much to drink. I know that would have made her sad. She always talked to me about drinking too much. I was hoping that people in heaven didn’t know what was going on here on earth, because I didn’t want to hurt her.”

  I was hoping that people in heaven didn’t know what was going on here on earth, because I didn’t want to hurt her.

  “Suppose for a moment that people in heaven do know what’s happening on earth, that your mother really was disappointed in your behavior and what you did. And let’s suppose that you had a chance to talk with her. What would you say?”

  Carl’s eyes moistened, and he said, “I’d tell her that I’m really sorry that I let her down. I know that was not a time for drinking. I wish I could go back and relive that night. I wouldn’t have gone to the bar. I’d tell her that I really love her and I hope that she would forgive me.”

  I put my arm on Carl’s shoulder, and I said, “Do you know what you just did?”

  He started nodding his head and said, “Yeah. I just apologized to my mother. It feels good. Do you think she heard me?” he asked.

  “I think she did,” I said, “and I think she’s forgiven you.” “Doggone. I didn’t mean to cry,” he said, wiping tears from his cheeks.

  “That’s another thing; you were taught that real men don’t cry, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You’ve gotten some bad information through the years, Carl,” I said. “Fact is, real men do cry. It’s plastic men who don’t cry. Real men do apologize. They even say ‘I’m sorry’ when they realize they’ve hurt someone they love. You are a real man, Carl. You’ve demonstrated it today. Don’t ever forget it. If you and Melinda get married, you won’t be a perfect husband and she won’t be a perfect wife. It’s not necessary to be perfect in order to have a good marriage. But it is necessary to apologize when you do things that hurt each other. And if saying ‘I’m sorry’ is Melinda’s primary apology language, then you will need to learn to speak it.”

  “Got it!” he said with a smile. “I’m glad we came to this seminar.”

  “So am I,” I said as he walked away.

  One year later, I was leading a seminar in Columbia, South Carolina. Early on Saturday morning before anyone else had arrived, in walked Carl and Melinda. “We came early hoping we would have a chance to talk with you,” he said. “We just want to tell you how much your seminar meant to us last year when you were in Summerfield. It was a big changing point in our relationship. We got married three months after the seminar, and the things we learned that day keep coming back to us.”

  “I’m not sure we would still be married if we had not attended the seminar,” Melinda said. “I had no idea the first year of marriage would be so hard.”

  “Tell me,” I said, “does Carl know how to apologize?”

  “Oh, yes. We’re both good apologizers,” she said. “That’s one of the main things we learned that day—that and the five love languages. Those two things have helped us survive.”

  Carl said, “It wasn’t easy for me. But the day I apologized to my mother was a big breakthrough for me. I realized how important it was to be honest about my behavior.”

  “What is your love language?” I asked Melinda.

  “Acts of service,” she said, “and Carl is getting really good at it. He even washes and folds the towels.”

  “Both of us want to grow old together. That’s why we’re back today for a refresher class.”

  Carl shook his head and said, “I never thought I’d be doing that. But I’ll have to admit, doing laundry is a whole lot easier than saying, ‘I’m sorry.’ But I’ve learned to do both of them. I want us to have a good marriag
e. My folks never had a good marriage, nor did Melinda’s. Both of us want to grow old together. That’s why we’re back today for a refresher class. We’re looking forward to learning some new things.”

  “You are a real man,” I said as I patted him on the back.2

  Looking back on my own marriage, I wish I had known not only the importance of apology, but how to apologize effectively. It would have saved me many days of silent suffering, hoping in vain that Karolyn would forget my harsh words.

  Talking It Over

  Do you remember the last time you apologized? If so, what did you say?

  Do you remember the last time someone apologized to you? Did it seem sincere? Did you forgive the person? Why or why not?

  Discuss with each other what you expect to hear in a sincere apology.

  Presently, is there anything for which you need to apologize? Why not do it today?

  6

  I Wish I Had Known …

  That FORGIVENESS

  is not a FEELING

  The only healthy response to an apology is forgiveness. But what does it mean to forgive? Before I got married, I thought that forgiveness was letting go of the hurt and, thus, restoring the feelings of love. It seemed rather easy to me. I remember once when Karolyn called and broke a date with me saying that she needed to go shopping with a girlfriend, I was crushed and angry. How could she think that a shopping trip with a girlfriend was more important than our spending the evening together?

  I lived with the pain of hurt and anger for two days until we had our next date. The evening had not progressed very far when she asked, “Is something wrong?” I opened the floodgates of my emotions and “let it all hang out.” I told her how disappointed I was that she would choose a shopping trip with a friend over our time together.