Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married Read online

  It is important to recognize these differing abilities and seek to use them for the benefit of the relationship.

  We need not have the same skill sets, but it is important to recognize these differing abilities and seek to use them for the benefit of the relationship. On a football team, all eleven players have the same objective, but they don’t all play the same role. The coach seeks to put the players in the position that he thinks they are best equipped to execute. That principle should also be helpful in determining marital roles.

  Likes—and Dislikes

  The fourth factor in finding agreement about who will do what is the simple fact that each of you has likes and dislikes. She may find budgeting and keeping track of finances to be a breeze, where he may find it to be an ordeal. They both have the skills to add, subtract, and keep records, but one of them likes to do it and the other does not. He may find vacuuming the floors an invigorating challenge; she may find it drudgery. She may find paying the monthly bills to be enjoyable; he may find it as extremely oppressive. Making sure that we know each other’s likes and dislikes is an important step in the process of deciding marital roles. Ideally, it would be nice to have each of you doing things that you enjoy doing. But if neither of you enjoys doing it, obviously someone must accept responsibility for a task that is not necessarily pleasant. However, considering each other’s likes and dislikes should be a part of the process in deciding who will do what.

  A Practical Exercise

  Now I want to give you a practical exercise that will help you decide not only who will clean the toilet but who will do all the other things that are necessary. If you are seriously contemplating marriage, make a list of all the things that come to mind that will have to be done in order to maintain a household. Be sure to include your vehicles and who will purchase and prepare the food, do the laundry, and vacuum the floors. Ask your fiancé to make a similar list. Then bring the two lists together and make a master list that includes everything the two of you listed.

  If you can’t agree before marriage, what makes you think you will agree after marriage?

  Make two copies of this list and, individually and separately, sit down with the list and put your initials beside those items that you think will be your responsibility. If you think it will be a shared responsibility, put both of your initials but underline the one that you think will have the primary responsibility. Once you have completed this task, set aside an evening to work through your answers and see where you have agreed or disagreed on who will have the primary responsibility on each item. Where you have disagreements, it calls for negotiation. Share with each other your reasons for the choice you made. Be as open and honest as you can about what brought you to that conclusion. After listening to each other empathetically, then seek to make an agreement on who will accept that responsibility. (If you can’t agree before marriage, what makes you think you will agree after marriage?)

  Completing this assignment does not mean that you are locked into these responsibilities for the rest of your life. After six months of marriage, you may want to renegotiate some of these things. But it does mean you will enter marriage with a better understanding of your expectations of each other. Completing these exercises and reaching agreement on who will do what will save you many conflicts and make life flow much more harmoniously for both of you.

  Talking It Over

  If you grew up with your father, what responsibilities did he accept in the family?

  What responsibilities did your mother accept?

  If you are seriously considering marriage, complete the assignment described above.

  8

  I Wish I Had Known …

  That we needed a PLAN for

  HANDLING our MONEY

  When Karolyn and I were dating and later decided to get married, it never crossed my mind that we needed to discuss how we would handle our finances. Neither of us had any money. After all, we both were recent college graduates. During college we both lived in dormitories. I had never rented an apartment, never paid an electric bill, never had a car payment, and seldom ever bought clothes. I worked a part-time job to pay for my college expenses. After my junior year my parents were kind enough to buy me a car and pay the insurance. The clothes I wore came as gifts from my family at Christmas and on birthdays. Karolyn’s experience was similar except that before enrolling in college, she worked full-time for one year, had her own apartment, and paid her own bills.

  The only financial plan we had was that she had agreed to work full-time while I pursued graduate studies full-time. That plan lasted for two months. Karolyn’s job required her to begin work at 5:30 a.m. She is not a “morning person.” Her health was spiraling downward, and we both agreed that this plan was not working. We decided that we would both look for part-time, afternoon jobs. She rather quickly was hired by one of my professors at the university, and I found a job at the local bank. Neither of us made a lot of money, but it was enough to pay the rent on our student apartment, the utilities, and gas for the car, as well as put food on the table. Neither of us bought any clothes for three years. When I finished my graduate studies and began my first full-time employment, we had a grand total of $150.

  In those years, we had no money problems because we had no money.

  In those years, we had no money problems because we had no money. As long as a couple agrees to sacrifice temporarily in order to reach a stated objective, in our case graduate school, and as long as there is enough income to pay for the necessities, they are not likely to have marital struggles about money. Our struggles came after we started “making money.”

  We still had never discussed a plan for handling our money. After three years of sacrifice, we were both excited about spending. However, we had very different ideas about what purchases we should make and when. With no plan in place, finances became for us what it has become for many couples—a battlefield. I will not bore you with our specific skirmishes. The point I’m making is that if we had developed a plan before marriage, we would have saved ourselves a lot of useless fighting. The plan that I will share in the rest of this chapter is a simple plan of money management that has helped thousands of couples avoid financial warfare. Let’s start at the beginning.

  “Our Money”: Building Unity

  The first foundational stone in developing a financial plan is to agree that after marriage, it will no longer be “my money” and “your money” but “our money.” At the heart of marriage is the desire for unity. “For better or for worse,” we intend to live life together. The implication is that we will share our income and work as a team in deciding what to do with our money. Incidentally, this also means that his and her debts will become “our debts,” and we have the responsibility to develop a plan to repay these debts. It also implies that his and her savings will become “our savings.” If you are not ready for this kind of unity, then you are not ready for marriage.

  Saving, Sharing, Spending

  The second step in developing a financial plan is to agree on a percentage of income that you will save, give away, and spend. There are essentially only three things you can do with money. You can save it, you can give it away, or you can spend it. Deciding the percentage that you will allocate to each of these categories is an important step in making a financial plan.

  His and her debts will become “our debts.”

  Through the years, I have encouraged couples to adopt the “10-10-80 Plan.” Save and invest 10 percent of your net income. The first purpose of saving is to have emergency funds in case of sickness or loss of job. The second purpose of saving is to pay off any credit card and consumer debts that the two of you may have. The third purpose of saving is in order to make major purchases such as home and automobile. (Retirement saving is normally a part of one’s employment package. I strongly encourage couples to participate in whatever retirement plan is offered by their employer.)

  Another 10 percent is to be given away. The purpose of giving is to express
gratitude for what has been given to you. The ancient Jewish and Christian traditions encourage the giving of 10 percent of one’s income. The happiest people in the world are not those who have the most money but those who have learned the satisfaction of giving to help others. An early Christian text says, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”1

  For Karolyn and me, the giving of 10 percent of our income was never a struggle. We had both been taught that principle by our parents and had practiced it as individuals. Thus, we freely agreed that this would be the pattern of our giving. Neither of us has ever regretted this decision. However, if this concept is new to one of you, it will take discussion and negotiation to find a meeting place on this concept. If you can’t agree on 10 percent, then what percentage can you agree to give? The process of negotiation and agreement before marriage will save you from struggling with this issue after marriage.

  The most common mistake young couples make is to purchase a house that is beyond their income.

  The Other 80 Percent

  That leaves 80 percent to be divided among mortgage payments (or rent), utilities, insurance, furniture, food, clothes, transportation, medicine, recreation, etc. How this is distributed is your decision. The more you spend on housing, the less you have to spend in other areas. The most common mistake young couples make is to purchase a house that is beyond their income.

  Before marriage, it is difficult to know the exact cost of housing and utilities and many of the other categories listed above. I have often encouraged couples who are contemplating marriage to find a couple who has been married about three years and is living in an apartment or house similar to what you would contemplate buying or renting. Let them share with you the approximate cost of housing and utilities. They may also be willing to give you a list of their other expenditures. This will give you a somewhat realistic idea of what to expect. A common guideline is to spend no more than 40 percent of your net income on housing and utilities.

  Wise shopping does make a difference. In spite of the jokes we hear about the wife who spends $5 on gas driving to an outlet store where she saves $2, the wise shopper can realize substantial savings. Such shopping takes time and energy. It is work and involves a great deal of insight. But the benefit will be revealed in extra money that can be applied to other needs or wants. Mastering the art of good shopping is worth the effort involved. For practical help on how to shop wisely see The Little Book of Big Savings.2

  Another extremely important matter that needs to be discussed by every couple is credit buying. If I had a red flag, I would wave it here. The media screams from every corner: “Buy now, pay later.” What is not stated is that if you buy now without cash, you will pay much more later. Interest rates on charge accounts have a wide range. Many are in the 18–21 percent bracket. Couples need to read the small print. Credit is a privilege for which you must pay, and the cost is not the same on all plans.

  One guiding principle is, if you have a credit card, use it only for emergencies (medical treatment) and necessities (car repairs, major appliances). Then, pay off the balance as quickly as possible. Never use the card for non-essentials—instead, save and pay cash. Some financial advisers suggest that couples never own a credit card. However, the all-important FICO score actually can score you lower if you have no credit history. This can be a problem when you get ready to purchase a house, car, or major appliance.

  Why do we use credit? Because we want now what we cannot pay for now.

  The credit card has been for many couples a membership card to “the society of the financially frustrated.” It encourages impulse buying, and most of us have more impulses than we can afford to follow. I know that credit cards can aid in keeping records and that, if payments are made in full promptly, charges are minimal. Most couples, however, will spend more and stretch out payments longer if they regularly use credit cards.

  Why do we use credit? Because we want now what we cannot pay for now. In the purchase of a house, that may be a wise financial move. We would have to pay rent anyway. If the house is well selected, it will appreciate in value. If we have money for the down payment and can afford the monthly payments, such a purchase is wise. On the other hand, most of our purchases do not appreciate in value. Their value begins to decrease the day we buy them. We buy them before we can afford them. We pay the purchase price, plus the interest charges for credit, while the article itself continues to depreciate in value.

  I know that there are certain “necessities” in our society, but why should a young couple think they must obtain in the first year of their marriage what it took their parents thirty years to accumulate? Why must you have the biggest and the best now? With such a philosophy, you destroy the joy of aspiration and attainment. The necessities of life are relatively few. They can be met on your present income. (If you are unemployed, our society has help for you. The poorest in this country can have the necessities.) I am not opposed to aspiring for more and better “things” if these can be used for good. But I am suggesting that you live in the present rather than the future. Leave the future joys for future accomplishments. Enjoy today what you have today.

  For many years my wife and I have played a little game that we have come to enjoy. It is called “Let’s see how many things we can do without that everyone else thinks they must have.” It all started in graduate school days out of necessity, but we got hooked and have continued to play it.

  The game works like this. On Friday night or Saturday, you go together to the department store and walk down the aisles, looking at whatever catches your eye. Read the labels, talk about how fascinating each item is, and turn to each other and say, “Isn’t it great that we don’t have to have that?” Then while others walk out with arms loaded, names duly signed, you walk out hand in hand, excited that you do not need things to be happy. I highly recommend this game to all young married couples.

  Another practical idea that can prevent much tragedy is an agreement on the part of both that neither will make a major purchase without consulting the other. The purpose of consulting is to reach agreement regarding the purchase. The term major purchase must be given a dollar value. For example, the couple might agree that neither would ever buy anything that costs more than $100 without such agreement. It is true that many golf clubs and lamps would still be in the showroom if couples followed this principle. But it is also true that many couples would be far happier.

  Who Keeps the Books?

  The final suggestion I wish to make is that you decide before marriage who will keep the books after you are married. The one who “keeps the books” is the one who pays the monthly bills and keeps tabs on the online accounts. This is the person who seeks to keep the two of you on track with the spending plan upon which you have agreed. This does not mean that the one chosen to keep the books is in charge of making financial decisions. Such decisions are to be made as a team.

  The bookkeeper may not necessarily remain bookkeeper forever. For one reason or another, you may decide after the first six months that it will be far wiser if the other partner would become the bookkeeper. As a couple discusses financial details, it will usually be obvious which one is more adept at such matters.

  However, be certain that the one who is not keeping the books knows how to do so and has full knowledge regarding various checking and savings accounts. Remember you are a team and both team members must be fully aware of financial details.

  It is my desire that the ideas I have shared in this chapter will help the two of you fully discuss and find agreement on the financial plan you will follow once you are married. I wish someone had told me that we needed a financial plan before we got married. I think I would have followed the advice.

  Talking It Over

  What is your present financial plan? (How do you use your money?) Be as detailed as possible. If you are contemplating marriage, ask your dating partner to do the same.

  Do you give away 10 percent of your income?

  Do you pla
ce at least 10 percent of your income into some savings or investment plan?

  Discuss items 2 and 3 with your prospective mate and agree on what you will do after you are married.

  Begin doing individually whatever you plan to do after you are married. That is, if you agree to put 10 percent of your income into savings after marriage, begin to do so while you are single. (What you do now is a good indicator of how well you will follow the plan after marriage.)

  If engaged, declare your total assets and liabilities to your fiancé. Take a realistic look at your debts and resources.

  Together work out a payment schedule for any debts you will have when you are married.

  Together work out a financial plan for spending your money after you are married. This will require information regarding housing and utility costs.

  Discuss and seek agreement that neither of you will ever make a major purchase without consulting the other. No agreement—no purchase! (Agree on the dollar value of a “major purchase.”)

  Who will keep the books? Why?

  9

  I Wish I Had Known …

  That mutual sexual

  FULFILLMENT

  is not AUTOMATIC