Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married Read online

  To marry simply because you are “in love” and to ignore the implications of these spiritual differences is a sign of immaturity.

  What Kind of “Christian”?

  Thus far, I have been talking about theological differences in faith and practice, but now let me turn to the personal side. We clearly recognize that there are different levels of commitment among Christians. For example, some people who call themselves Christians attend church only during the Easter and Christmas holidays. Other than those holidays, their religion tends to influence them very little. On the other hand, there are many who attend church on a regular basis. For some, it is a once-a-week event that lasts for one hour to three hours, depending on the format of the worship service. Others, however, are involved not only in corporate worship but are involved in small Bible-study groups that both offer spiritual support and explore how to apply the teachings of scripture to their personal lives. These people live in deep and close community with those who attend the group. They are willing to sacrifice for each other. They care enough to be honest with each other and they are often reaching out to serve the community in practical ways. Many of these Christians also have a daily devotional time in which they consciously read the scriptures to hear the voice of God and respond to God with honest questions, praise, thanksgiving, or requests for help. They view Christianity as a personal love relationship with Christ. This daily “quiet time” is the most important part of their day.

  It should be obviousthat an Easter-Christmas Christian is very different from a daily “quiet time” Christian.

  Thus, it becomes extremely important to discover what kind of Christian you are dating. What is their level of commitment and involvement in the Christian community? How important is their faith to them? And what kind of impact does it have on their personal life? It should be obvious that an Easter-Christmas Christian is very different from a daily “quiet time” Christian.

  I remember the young lady who said to me, “I’ve been dating Andrew for three years. When we started dating, he told me that he was a Christian. We have many common interests and we have had many wonderful times together. But I have come to realize that we are not marching to the beat of the same drummer when it comes to spirituality. For him, Christianity is a religion; something you do on Sunday but it has little relevance to how he makes decisions and lives his life. For me, Christianity is my life. Nothing is more important to me than investing my life in serving Christ. I realize that we don’t have the spiritual foundation on which to build a Christian marriage. Therefore, I am breaking off our dating relationship.”

  I think this young lady was extremely mature. If after three years she had seen little spiritual movement on his part to become more personally involved in his relationship with God, to think that would change after marriage would be naïve. Three years later, she married a young man who had a similar level of commitment to his faith in Christ and the two of them are in the process of building a truly Christian marriage.

  For many dating couples, spirituality is an unexplored topic. They simply assume that this area of life will take care of itself after marriage. Others who openly discuss matters of spirituality often ignore the warning signs. They are so in love with each other, enjoy being with each other, and can see themselves making each other happy for the rest of their lives, and they close their eyes to huge differences in their views of spirituality.

  Jill and Matt, the couple we met at the beginning of this chapter, eventually discovered spiritual intimacy. After several counseling sessions in which I helped them listen to the heart of the other person and try to understand how important this issue was to them, they were able to affirm each other’s concerns and become friends instead of enemies. Once they moved from an adversarial relationship to a friendship where two people were trying to understand each other and solve a conflict rather than win an argument, the resolution became rather easy.

  Matt agreed to give up Sunday morning golf and began attending church with Jill. Jill agreed that she would join him in looking for a church that he would find more engaging. They found such a church, and together, they are deeply involved not only in attendance but are involved weekly in teaching a fifth-grade children’s class. Incidentally, they now have a three-year-old son. Both agree that they are glad they found a meeting place in their spiritual journey before their son was born.

  Religious beliefs are often accompanied by strong emotions and deeply held convictions. Even atheists often hold their non-God views tenaciously, and those beliefs affect the way they approach life. In that sense, though they deny the existence of God, they are deeply religious. Because our religious beliefs affect all of life, it is very important that we explore the foundation of spiritual compatibility before we make the commitment to marriage. I hope that this chapter will help you do that.

  Talking It Over

  What are the basic religious beliefs of your parents?

  Where are you in your own spiritual journey? Have you accepted, rejected, or modified the religious beliefs that you were taught as a child?

  What are your basic beliefs about God?

  What religious organizations are you affiliated with? How active is your involvement?

  How do your religious beliefs affect your daily lifestyle?

  If you are considering marriage, discuss your answers with your dating partner.

  Do you think you hold enough in common to build spiritual intimacy in your marriage?

  12

  I Wish I Had Known …

  That PERSONALITY

  profoundly influences

  BEHAVIOR

  No one questions the axiom that we are all unique. The question is, how unique? I wish I’d known that personality (those characteristics that make us unique) would profoundly affect our marriage.

  Before we got married, I dreamed about how wonderful it would be to get up every morning and have breakfast with my wife. After we got married, I found out that Karolyn didn’t do mornings. Breakfast was not her “thing.” Upon reflection I did remember that during the dating years, she told me, “Don’t call me in the mornings. I’m not responsible for what I say or do before noon.” I took it as a joke and laughed. I never called her in the morning because I was busy “doing my own thing.” After marriage I discovered that she was serious. My dream of a quiet romantic breakfast with my wife was shattered in the first month of our marriage. I was left to eat breakfast in silence, except for the songs the birds were singing outside the window.

  On the other hand, before we got married Karolyn had visions of what the two of us would do between 10 p.m. and midnight. Her visions included reading and discussing books, watching movies together, playing intellectually stimulating games, and discussing the deeper issues of life. What she did not know was that my physical, emotional, and intellectual motor shut down at 10 p.m. The possibility of my carrying on an intelligent conversation was greatly diminished after that hour. It is true that while we were dating, I stayed alive and engaged with her until midnight. But I was pushed along by euphoric feelings of “being in love.” The excitement of being with her and doing things together kept the adrenalin flowing, and she had no idea that this would not continue after we were married.

  Neither of us knew before marriage that there are “morning persons” and there are “night persons.” Morning persons awake with the enthusiasm of a kangaroo, springing to face the day with excitement, while the night person hides under the covers and thinks, “They must be playing a game—no one can be that excited in the morning.” Night persons have their “prime time” from 10 p.m. until … That’s when they enjoy reading, painting, playing games, doing anything that demands a lot of energy, while the morning person is quickly fading at that hour.

  This personality difference may have a profound impact upon the couple’s sexual relationship. The morning person wants to go to bed at ten, cuddle, and make love, while the night person is saying, “You have got to be kidding. I can’t go to b
ed this early.” The morning person may feel rejected, while the night person feels like they are being controlled. This may well lead to arguments and frustration. Is there hope for this couple?

  Certainly, if they choose to respect their differences and negotiate a solution. For example, the night person may agree to have sex at 10 p.m. if the morning person will allow them to leave the bedroom after love-making and pursue their other interests until midnight. However, if the morning person insists that the night person remain in bed after making love, that person may feel manipulated, controlled, and frustrated. A morning person will never become a night person, and a night person will never become a morning person. It’s a part of our personality. With effort, we can push ourselves to be functional in those early or late hours that are not prime time for us. But it will never come without effort.

  A morning person will never become a night person, and a night person will never become a morning person.

  If Karolyn and I had known that I was a morning person and she was a night person, and if we had used our dating time to discuss this personality difference, we would have saved ourselves a lot of emotional pain. I would not have felt rejected because she was not having breakfast with me, and she would not have felt controlled by my insisting that she go to bed at 10 p.m. Yes, I wish we had known that personality differences profoundly influence behavior.

  Half Full or Half Empty?

  Let’s look at some of the other personality differences that often go undiscovered and undiscussed before marriage. The pessimist and the optimist are often attracted to each other. The optimist sees the glass as half full; the pessimist sees it as half empty. The optimist sees the possibilities while the pessimist sees the problems. Each of us has a basic leaning in one direction or the other, but we are often unaware of this aspect of our personality.

  In the dating stage of the relationship, we each assume that the other person views the world as we view it.

  In the dating stage of the relationship, we each assume that the other person views the world as we view it. Because we are each enamored with the other and seeking to accommodate each other, this personality difference may not be apparent. For example, the optimist tends to be a risk taker because he is convinced in his own mind that everything will turn out fine. Thus, he may suggest that the two of them go bungee jumping. The pessimist by nature does not want to take risks because she assumes that the worst could happen. Therefore, she would never have entertained the thought of bungee jumping, but because she admires and trusts her lover, she is willing to do something she would never have done on her own. The optimist is thrilled to be dating someone who is willing to be adventuresome, while never realizing that she has gone far beyond her emotional comfort zone.

  Two years after marriage when he suggests that the two of them go rock climbing, she strongly resists the idea. Not only is she unwilling, she also resists the idea of him going alone or with friends. She can envision herself being a widow and cannot understand why he would be willing to take such a risk. On the other hand, he is totally blown away by her response. He wonders what happened to her spirit of adventure. Why is she being such a killjoy?

  Because they failed to discover and discuss this personality difference before marriage, they find themselves embroiled in a conflict that neither of them understands. In reality, they are both simply being who they are, an optimist and a pessimist. The problem is neither of them knew who the other person was before they got married. The euphoria of the dating experience blinded them to this personality difference. Had they discussed this difference before marriage, he would have realized that she would never be a rock climber, nor would she ever go skydiving with him. He would also have realized that if he chose to do such things, he would do so in the face of great resistance from his wife.

  This personality difference is likely to create conflicts in the area of money management. The optimist will tend to be an adventurous investor, willing to take huge levels of risk with the hope of positive results. On the other hand, the pessimist will want to invest in more stable and secure markets. They will spend sleepless nights if the spouse pulls them into a high-risk investment. And if the investment goes south, the pessimist will blame the optimist for taking undue risks with their money. The optimist is likely to see the pessimist as being non-supportive of their ideas and thus, blame the spouse for “holding them back” from success.

  The answer to this personality difference lies in understanding and accepting the differences, and not condemning each other for being who they are. They must then negotiate a method of honoring each other’s personality. One such plan may be to agree on a dollar amount that the couple would have in secure investments before the optimist would engage in high-risk investments. Once this minimum level of investments is in place, they could agree on a dollar amount that he could invest in a higher-risk investment with the understanding that if he lost it all, she would not condemn him. On the other hand, if the investment is successful, she commends him for his investment skills and together they celebrate their financial success.

  If a dating couple is willing to negotiate these kinds of arrangements before they get married, they will save themselves many unnecessary arguments over how they will handle the finances. The same principle is true in scores of other areas in which the pessimist and the optimist are likely to have very different views about the action that should be taken. Understanding, accepting, and negotiating personality differences are essential in building a foundation for a healthy marriage.

  Neatniks and Slobs

  Then there are the Neatnik and the Slob. “I’ve never known anyone as sloppy as Ben,” said Alicia. How many wives have said this about their husbands less than a year after their wedding? Interestingly, before marriage this never bothered Alicia. Oh, she may have noticed that the car was sometimes messy or that his apartment was not as neat as she would have had it, but somehow she concluded that “Ben is a more relaxed person than I am. That’s good; I like that. I need to loosen up a little.” Ben, on the other hand, looked at Alicia and found an angel. “Isn’t it wonderful that Alicia is always so tidy? Now I don’t have to worry about keeping everything clean because she will take care of that.” However, three years later he is being bombarded with verbal stones of condemnation to which he responds, “I don’t understand why you would get so upset over a few dishes left out.”

  Some people do live by the motto “A place for everything and everything in its place.” Other people have no compulsion to put away their tools, clothes, used coffee mugs, or anything else. After all, they may use them again in a week or two. They reason, “Why would you want to waste time picking up dirty clothes every day? Leave them on the floor until it’s time to wash them. They aren’t going anywhere and they don’t bother me.”

  Yes, we are wired differently and have difficulty understanding why the other person would not see it our way. This personality difference is not hard to discover; it simply requires that during the dating time you keep your eyes open to reality. Look at his car and his apartment and you will know whether he is a Neatnik or a Slob. Look at her kitchen and her bedroom closet and you will also know which personality pattern is natural for her. If the two of you fall into the same category, you will either have an immaculate home or a place where you have to step over the clutter. But both of you will be happy. If you fall into different categories, then now is the time for negotiation. Face reality and discuss who will be responsible for what after you are married in order to keep some level of emotional sanity. If she is willing to pick up his dirty clothes daily and put them in the laundry hamper as his mother did when he was in high school, this is fine. However, if she expects him to be more responsible, then he must be willing to change or else hire his mother to come over daily to pick up his clothes. Certainly a satisfactory solution can be negotiated—but the time to start negotiation is before marriage.

  When the Dead Sea Weds a Babbling Brook

  Another area o
f personality differences is related to speech. Some people talk freely about everything. Others are more thoughtful, introspective, and less likely to share their thoughts and feelings. I have often referred to the latter as the “Dead Sea” and the former as the “Babbling Brook.” In the nation of Israel, the Dead Sea receives waters from the Jordan River. But the Dead Sea goes nowhere. Many people have that kind of personality. They can receive all kinds of thoughts, feelings, and experiences throughout the day. They have a large reservoir in which they store the experiences of the day and are perfectly happy not to talk. In fact, if you say to a Dead Sea, “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you talking tonight?” they’ll likely say, “Nothing’s wrong. What makes you think something is wrong?” The Dead Sea is being perfectly honest. He or she is content not to talk.

  On the other hand, the Babbling Brook is the individual for whom whatever comes into the eye gate or the ear gate comes out the mouth gate—usually in less than sixty seconds. Whatever they see, whatever they hear, they tell. In fact, if no one is at home they will call someone on the telephone and ask, “Do you know what I just heard?” They have no reservoir; whatever they experience, it spills over and they tell it to someone.

  Often a Dead Sea will marry a Babbling Brook. Before marriage, the differences are viewed as attractive. For example, while dating, the Dead Sea can relax. He or she does not have to think “How will I get the conversation started?” or, “How will I keep the conversation flowing?” All they have to do is sit there, nod their head, and say, “Uh-huh.” The Babbling Brook will fill up the evening. On the other hand, the Babbling Brook finds the Dead Sea equally attractive because Dead Seas are the world’s best listeners. However, five years after marriage, the Babbling Brook may be saying, “We’ve been married five years and I don’t know her.” At the same time, the Dead Sea may be saying, “I know him too well. I wish he would stop the flow and give me a break.”