Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married Read online

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  Appendix

  Developing a HEALTHY

  DATING Relationship

  In Western culture, marriage is typically preceded by a period of dating. In its broadest sense, a date is an appointment between a male and female who agree to spend a segment of time together for the purpose of getting better acquainted. There are two distinct stages of dating. The first is casual dating. Casual dating may or may not have romantic overtones. It may simply be two symphony devotees agreeing to attend the performance together and perhaps have dinner or dessert afterwards. Or it could be two cyclists who agree to do a twenty-mile ride together on Saturday. If there is no romantic interest and no such interest develops after a period of casual dating, the couple will probably consider themselves friends and not think of their relationship as a dating relationship.

  Casual dating relationships are often accompanied by a romantic interest on the part of one or both individuals. However, the couple may have numerous dates without acknowledging this interest. The focus of casual dating is enjoying life together and sharing a common interest. Casual dating is typically nonexclusive; that is, one or both of the individuals may also have dating relationships with other people. While the one with strong romantic feelings may be emotionally hurt knowing that the other person is dating someone else, they are not likely to verbalize their hurt because they know that no commitment has been made.

  Casual dating normally moves in one of three directions. If no romantic interest develops and they each have a strong common interest, they may develop a strong friendship that focuses on some common activity. These kinds of mutually enjoyable relationships often continue for years.

  A second possibility is that the casual dating relationship will end. Perhaps one of them has a strong romantic attraction and the other does not. This in itself may become a conflict that leads to ending the relationship. Or, if neither has a romantic interest in the other and they have no strong mutual bond, the relationship dies a natural death.

  The third possibility is that in time, even if it were not present in the beginning, they each develop a strong romantic interest in the other. Their times together are mutually enjoyable, and they begin to think that they may be “falling in love” with each other. The relationship will move from casual dating to committed dating.

  Committed dating is much more serious than casual dating. It is normally perceived as an exclusive relationship. If one of them chooses to date someone else, the one who is betrayed will experience great pain. They will not hesitate to verbalize their pain, and the ensuing conversation will lead either to the breakup of the relationship or to a commitment to each other. It is this committed stage of dating that I wish to discuss in this appendix. I believe that developing a healthy dating relationship is the best preparation for a healthy marriage. I am not suggesting that all such dating couples will end up marrying each other. I am suggesting that a healthy dating relationship will enable them to answer the question “To marry or not to marry?” more wisely. Therefore, let’s turn our attention to those factors that characterize this type of dating relationship.

  Healthy dating relationships will focus on “getting to know” each other. This is really what serious dating is all about. The human psyche is a complex combination of heredity and environment. What you see on the outside is not necessarily what you will discover on the inside. This process of discovery requires a high level of honesty on the part of both individuals. In the early stages of dating, we tend to “put our best foot forward.” That is, we strive to make a good impression. But that is not the attitude which leads to a healthy dating relationship.

  Every individual has a unique history. That history has brought you to where you are today. We cannot know each other without sharing our histories. This means that we must be willing to share our failures as well as our successes. One young man said to me in the counseling office, “I’m afraid to tell her that I was in a youth detention facility for three months for shoplifting when I was sixteen years old. I’m afraid if she knows that, she will stop dating me.” “How long do you wish to hide this information?” I asked. “Until you are engaged or until you are married?”

  “I guess that wouldn’t be fair, would it?” he responded.

  To build a relationship upon deception or hidden truth is to sabotage the relationship. By nature, we are quick to share our successes, for they make us look good. We are more hesitant to share our failures because even we are hurt by the memories. Yet healthy dating relationships are built upon truth.

  There are two areas in which honesty is often extremely difficult. One is in sharing our sexual history and the other is in sharing our financial history. However, I strongly urge couples in a serious dating relationship to reveal these areas of life. Part of my motivation in encouraging them to do so is that these are the two areas that often cause the most conflict in marriage. To enter marriage without revealing these two aspects of who we are is unfair to our partner and to ourselves.

  Recently a young lady said to me, “My dating partner has shared with me that he has been sexually active with three other girls over the past eight years. I must confess I found this very difficult to deal with. In fact, I’m still trying to deal with it, but I’m so grateful that he shared the truth with me. Had I found it out after we were engaged or married, I think I would have felt betrayed.” I think she was exactly right and he was extremely wise in sharing the truth. Simply because something is “hard to deal with” does not mean it should be ignored. Real life has to do with dealing with hard issues. Learning how to do this while dating prepares you for a healthy marriage in the future.

  What about finances? Sharing financial information may be difficult but is also necessary in a healthy dating relationship, especially if that relationship seems to be moving toward an engagement and marriage. Sharing with each other how you manage your money will likely lead you to the discovery that you have different patterns of saving, giving, and spending. Negotiating these differences before marriage will make the transition into marriage much easier. For example, if one of you regularly gives 10 percent of your income to charitable causes and the other gives 2 percent or nothing, this difference has the potential of strong marital conflict if not resolved before marriage.

  The amount of debt and the type of debt certainly needs to be revealed to each other. How much money you have in savings and the purpose of your savings account also is important information. When one of you tends to be a saver and the other a spender, negotiation is in order. Negotiation involves discussing the matter fully and finding a solution that is acceptable to both of you. These are not matters that would ever be discussed while you are in the casual stage of dating, but when you move to the committed stage, and especially when you start thinking about engagement and marriage, these are extremely important matters.

  Dating also allows you to get to know each other’s family dynamics. How do her mom and dad relate to each other? And what about his parents? How do they relate to each other and what kind of relationship does he have with his dad and mom? Are parents divorced in either family? What is the nature of the present relationship each of you has with your parents? You should make great effort to spend time with the family of your dating partner. If you should eventually get married, they will be a part of your life for a long time.

  In a healthy dating relationship, you will each foster the educational and vocational goals of the other. After all, our education and vocation are a huge part of life. The young man who says to his girlfriend who is a junior in college, “Why don’t you drop out of college and marry me? I’m going to have a career in the military and you don’t need a college degree,” is not the kind of young man who is ready for marriage. This attitude reveals his own self-centeredness. In a mature relationship, we are encouraging each other and helping each
other in the pursuit of educational and vocational goals.

  A healthy dating relationship will also be a balanced relationship. In an effort to identify the various aspects of our humanity, we often use such words as intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and physical. While in reality these five can never be isolated, because they are intertwined, it is helpful to focus on these five areas during the dating relationship.

  The intellectual has to do with our thoughts, our desires, and our perceptions of life. We often speak of intellectual compatibility. The question is “Do we have the ability to share our reactions to a newspaper or magazine article and to stimulate thought without condemning or arguing with each other?” If our political ideas clash, how do we process our differences? Learning how to disagree and not be disagreeable is one of the evidences of intellectual compatibility. If a man who seldom reads a book is dating a woman who is a voracious reader, the question is, do they have the foundation for intellectual compatibility? The one who makes straight A’s in college may have great difficulty communicating with the person who squeaked by with C’s and D+’s. Intellectually are you close enough to hold hands? Do your conversations about intellectual matters stimulate growth or condemnation?

  The emotional aspect of life has to do with our unsolicited emotional responses to the events we encounter in life. Some people hear the siren of a fire truck and are gripped with fear. Another may observe someone crying and feel extremely uncomfortable. Our feelings are not something we choose; they simply come as a part of life. Learning to share these emotions and understand where they are coming from, and choosing a positive response to our feelings are an important part of the process of maturing. Learning how to help each other process emotions is a part of growing a healthy dating relationship.

  We are also social creatures. We seek to share life with others. There is something about human nature that desires to live in community. That is why one of the most stringent of punishments is “solitary confinement.” However, there is great variance in how, when, and where we like to spend time with people. Social events are abundant in our society. Thousands of people every week spend time in stadiums, watching various sporting events, while others are gathered in symphony halls, theaters, and churches. All of these are social events but the same people do not necessarily attend all of those events. What are your social interests? What are those of your dating partner? One young lady said to me, “I find it really hard to understand how he could sit in the stands all day Sunday and watch cars run around in a circle. If that is his idea of a social event, I don’t know that we are living on the same planet.” She may well be right. The good thing is that she is discovering this while they are in the dating stage and not after they are married.

  Then there is the spiritual aspect of life. I mentioned earlier that my academic field is the study of anthropology, which is a study of human cultures. We have never discovered a culture in which people do not have beliefs about the nonmaterial world. Man seems inescapably spiritual. So, what are your concepts of spiritual reality and what are the perceptions of your dating partner? How fully have you discussed this area of life? Because spiritual beliefs often affect the rest of life, this aspect of life is exceedingly important. One lady said to me, “I don’t know if I am going to be able to continue in this relationship. I am a Wiccan and my boyfriend is a Christian. Every time we talk about it, we get into an argument. I like him a lot and I enjoy being with him. But I’m not sure our relationship can survive our differences in spiritual perceptions.” I commended her for being mature enough to face this reality.

  The fifth dimension of our humanity is that we are physical creatures. This is the most tangible and visible part of us. Often it was physical attraction that initiated our relationship in the first place. We were both “attracted” to each other physically. Affirming physical touch is a part of almost all dating relationships. People differ widely on what they believe to be appropriate touches in a dating relationship. What is important in a healthy relationship is that we respect each other’s boundaries. To force a dating partner to go beyond these boundaries is never an act of love and will be detrimental to the relationship.

  Unfortunately in contemporary society, the misguided emphasis on sexuality has made it difficult for many couples to have a balanced dating relationship. The current phenomenon of “hooking up,” in which couples have sex on the first date and their relationship is focused on the sexual experience, fails to qualify either as dating or a relationship. Such encounters either grow out of or lead to sexual addiction, which is certainly not a foundation upon which to build a marriage.

  Balancing the intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and physical aspects of life is one of the characteristics of a healthy dating relationship. If you are in a serious dating relationship, let me encourage you to use the learning exercises at the end of this appendix to stimulate your thoughts in developing a healthy dating relationship.

  Learning Exercises

  Since getting to know each other is one of the primary purposes of a serious dating relationship, use the following questions to stimulate conversation.

  What personal accomplishments have we shared with each other?

  What personal failures have we shared and what remains to be shared?

  To what degree have we shared our sexual history with each other?

  What do we know about each other’s financial history?

  Since your extended family has influenced each of you greatly, use the following questions to help develop understanding of these relationships.

  How would you describe the marital relationship of your mom and dad?

  From your perspective, what was your parents’ main philosophy on child rearing? How do you agree or disagree with their approach to parenting?

  What kind of relationship do you presently have with your father?

  What is the nature of your relationship with your mother?

  If and when you get married, in what way would you like for your marriage to be different from that of your parents?

  Since educational and vocational accomplishments are a big part of life, use the following questions to explore this aspect of life.

  What are your educational goals for the next five years?

  From what you know about your interests, what vocational goals do you presently have?

  Has your dating relationship been an asset or a liability to reaching these goals? In what way?

  To what degree do you feel your dating partner accepts and appreciates your goals?

  Since a healthy dating relationship is a balanced relationship, use the following questions to identify areas that may need further development.

  A. Intellectual

  1) Have you taken time to compare your college or high school grades?

  2) Have you ever read a magazine or online article and discussed your perceptions of the validity of the article?

  3) What television programs do you typically watch? How often do you discuss your reactions to the programs that you view?

  4) When you share your opinion on political issues, how does your dating partner typically respond?

  5) When you have disagreements, to what degree do you feel free to share your perspective? How do you typically respond when your partner shares his/her perspective?

  6) Have you learned to disagree without being disagreeable?

  B. Emotional

  1) What emotions have you felt throughout this day? What stimulated those emotions?

  2) How often, and to what degree, do you share your emotions with each other?

  3) When you do share emotions, how does the other person typically respond? What improvements would you like to see in this part of your relationship?

  C. Social

  1) What social events have the two of you attended together in the last month? Share with each other your level of enjoyment or frustration with these events.

  2) What sports event do you most enjoy attendin
g or watching on television?

  3) Do either of you have interest in attending musical events? Have you discussed how this interest affects your relationship?

  4) How many movies have you watched together in the past six weeks? Did you discuss the content of these movies afterwards?

  5) When you attend social events that involve talking with other people, what bothers you most about your partner’s behavior?

  6) What improvements would you like to see in this part of your relationship?

  D. Spiritual

  1) Have the two of you discussed your spiritual backgrounds?

  2) If you grew up in a religious home, have you embraced the faith of your childhood? Or have you rejected it? Or are you still trying to decide? What is your view of God?

  3) If you have children, will you raise them in a particular faith?

  4) What changes would you like to see in this part of your relationship?

  E. Physical

  1) What kind of affirming touches communicate love to you?

  2) Have you discussed with each other what you think are inappropriate touches?

  3) To what degree have you felt pressured to accept touches that you feel are inappropriate?

  4) What changes would you like to see in this aspect of your relationship?

  Notes

  CHAPTER ONE

  That being in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage

  1. Dorothy Tennov, Love and Limerence (New York: Stein and Day, 1972), 142.